Diet Fallout

I have been reluctant to write this post simply because this will reveal my weakness and lack of discipline.  But I thought it will do me a lot of good to get this God know what feelings out of my system.

I began R2 the third week of September, loading on 17th and 18th and started on VLCD on the 19th September.  Registered a good loss of 2.7kg the first week, despite cheats here and there and a major cheat on Friday Day 5 of VLCD.

At first I thought R2 will be a walk in the park for me.  My thoughts were since I somehow survived R1, had satisfied whatever cravings I had during Maintenance and Stabilization, surely R2 would be a breeze.  I was prepared for it, I had 6kg to go to get to a health BMI and much as I know that for my height (me being not as tall as Jai, Ogee Karim and Arlin) I should be at least 60kg, I figured at 65kg I would be happy.  I was planning on starting an exercise regime when I get to 65kg and maintain the weight through exercising, which contrary to popular belief, is something that I really would like to get myself into.

R2 a walk in the park it is NOT!

Challenge No 1 : My Mental Well-Being
I must admit that my current job and the stuff on my plate is stressful to the point sometimes I wonder what exactly the stress is all about.  I worry about my work performance, especially in the last two years since I had Harith, I felt that had slowed down tremendously.  I worry about deadlines and working through people, especially when execution is different from what I intended things to get done.  Let's face it, I am a worrywart. More so now when my husband decided to resign and the weight of responsibility lies on my shoulders alone.   He has been out of a job for almost three months now.  There have been quite a few leads but none has been positive so far.  I worry about the state of our financials especially when next year my eldest will be college bound.  And I always feel that I am in this lose-lose situation.  I am not happy with my load at work and I don't have options since I needed to be the breadwinner now.

Put a diet on that state of mind and the combination becomes frequent headaches and eating out of stress.  Not that I atea whole lot like before, but certainly not 100gms of protein and a cup of veggies.

Challenge No 2 : Fatigue, Fatigue, Fatigue
I don't know whether this is just me OR whether others my age feel the same.  I wake up 5am every day, shower, ready myself for Subuh prayers, pray, get ready with work clothes, rush to the bus station in Seremban to catch the 6:30am bus if I am lucky the 6:15am bus.

I sleep at about 11:30pm, wake up and make milk for Harith at about 2am, then sleep restlessly only to wake up at 5am.  Bear in mind that I get back from office the night before on average around 8pm.  Add that the bus trip that is not too comfortable, particularly going back to Seremban, when the evening traffic is worse than morning, compound that further with rain.  The bus ride becomes unbearable when I am hungry and have already taken my HcG pellets.  I get dizzy and sometimes nauseous.

I don't get 8 hours of sleep, I can't sleep on the bus, and I try to compensate my sleep during weekends. And add that to Challenge No 1, where I don't get to do anything productive at all during weekends, and I worry that I am letting life pass by me with this routine.

Challenge No 3 : Being Happy With Myself, Whatever State I Am, Fat or Thin
I hate to say this, but with a lot of my school friends on HcG and losing their kilos, I feel compelled to keep up with that loss too.  Weird eh, but oh so true!

Pyl has lost more than 20kg, Jai, Arlin and Ogee have lost more than 10kg, and here I am feeling miserable with my loss, and not even able to continue to lose my next 6kg.  MrM said that he knew that I was seeing this diet as a competition but did not want to say anything.  Trust MrM to be so supportive with my weight loss and saying that I don't have long limbs when I had asked him if he noticed that my arms are a tad smaller.

When I look at my body in the mirror, I hate my C-section pouch and my body being so straight like a pole. Not like Scarlett Johannsen.  Now you see how I just kill myself with these thoughts.

I should be grateful.  I do have nice legs, or at least I think I do.  I do have nice skin.  But I don't have Scarlett Johannsen's body!

I think I needed to come to my own terms with my own body before I can even begin to lose the weight.  The first 8kg was easy enough because I was not focused on how I look, rather the fact that I needed to lose weight.  The next 6kg I started thinking of wanting to look thin.  Or thinner would be the right word.

I know now that I should be happy with myself.  I should not compare myself with others.  I should be grateful with what I am NOW, not 6kg lighter.  This is really difficult for me since I have always been competitive, school, work and now even weight loss.  But for my long term weight loss sake, I need to come to terms with myself.

Challenge No 4 : Balancing Challenge No 1, 2 and 3 plus kids and a husband
This has got to be the greatest challenge.  I find it hard to remain positive when I am subjected to a daily commute, work, and just plain tired by the end of the day.   To me being positive is the key to everything in how you deal with your lot in this life.  In seeing the possibilities rather than accentuate the negative.  My work consumes me in that I find it difficult to do anything else when so much work outstanding.  This then becomes a vicious cycle of thinking, worrying, not being able to focus, fatigue, demands of husband and kids and what do I get out of all this?  More worrying, more irritation, doing things that add on to the already twisted state of mind.

There you go, phew!  I decided to stop this diet and start exercising.  I have started on the NordicTrack cross -trainer we bought late last year 20 to 30 minutes in one go.  I weigh between 71.5 to 72.8kg now, depending on what I eat the day before.  I still take ACV religiously.  I allowed myself to be comfortable with food.  I believe that this journey has not yet ended, but a pause to allow myself greater success in my weight loss.  I needed to come to terms with all the above challenges and learn to relax.

Until then, I will update this blog occassionally.  Will post on the above challenges in relation to my self discovery and how this all relates to my dealing with food.  Only when I feel ready I will begin again this weight loss journet.

R2 Day 3 VLCD

Morning weight 71.6kg

Loss of 600gms, Alhamdulillah.

I should lose considering dinner yesterday was an apple and grissini.

And the usual dose of ACV.

And small bites of chicken eaten with Harith.

Perhaps the right word is shreds of chicken.

So many open houses this weekend, sigh!

R2 Day 2 VLCD

Morning weigh in 72.2kg

Weight loss 1.5kg.

But that is to be expected. Dinner was shrimp and cabbage tom yam soup. I had an orange and a grissini. Due to lack of preparation as well as being busy with work, I only took an apple for lunch yesterday. Which makes my calorie intake less than 500.

I drank lots of water, though. Which is required when you are eating mostly protein. Today I brought lunch from home. White tilapia grilled and steamed spinach. Yes, back at this again. So let's hope for some meaningful weight loss numbers tomorrow!

R2 VLCD Day 1

My starting post loading weight 73.7kg

Took the first HcG pellets at about 5:15am, after having difficulty sleeping with Harith tossing and turning.

Drank some water in the morning and now having a large no sugar Amex while attending a meeting.

I am updating my blog from blogsy, an iPad app that allows you to update your blog and upload photos so easily.

I thought I'd just describe my mental state starting R2.

Jai was right, after surviving R1, I don't feel deprived as I was, at least during the first week of R1. I don't have cravings for Nescafe Tarik or sugar, be it in the form of cookies or rice. R2 just felt natural. I hope this is a good sign of R2. And my sustainability to get to my target weight.

73.7kg to 63.7kg, brings the target weight loss to be a whopping 10kg!!!

All the best to myself!

R2 Day 2 Loading still

I tried to load, I did.

But my best was :

Breakfast
2 cups of Nescafe with condensed milk and full cream milk combo
Kuih jemput sepinggan
A pear

Lunch
Three pieces of baked chicken with brown rice
Salad and cucumber
Plain water
A handful of chocolate chip cookeies

Tea
Another cup of Nescafe with condensed milk
Biscuits

Another round of Nescafe with guests
One cookie and one

Dinner
Nasi Arab with lamb
Ice blended lychee drink
Another pear

I am up to my neck feeling so guilty eating so much food. I hope this loading helps me in VLCD phase. My journey to 64kg begins tomorrow, God willing.

Round 2 Day 1 Loading

How is that loading the 2nd round is not fun? I decided to start R2 today, partly due to the need to start eating healthy again, partly because my journey to 64/65kg seems so long, and definitely because of the 1+ kg that I have put on since the endnof Ramadhan.

Breakfast was a three egg omelette with onions and leftover kuey teow from yesterday's gathering. Had a juicy pear and Nescafe Tarik right after that. Lunch was at my nephew's open house and what a feast. Gulai daging salai lemak cili api, sambal udang petai, ayam goreng berempah, ikan bilis goreng berlada with potatoes (sliced) and kuih keria to top it off.....I had two rounds of rice, God knows how many kuih keria I walloped, another cup of Nescafe, a bite of kuih Raya here and there (okay there were definitely more than just a bite).

Dinner was nasi goreng kerabu with telur mata kerbau, udang tepung and teh tarik.

Oh and two oranges before that.

I feel sick with eating. And tomorrow is Day 2 Loading again.....

But stick to this protocol I must. This time around I plan to stick to this for as long as it takes to get to my target weight. Actually the minute I started popping those HcG pellets into my mouth this morning, I am automatically on diet mode. Starting to be conscious of what I eat again.

My weight this morning was 72.7kg, a hefty weight gain of 1.8kg since the third day of Raya.

A weight gain of 800gms since last week!!

Therefore I am declaring this war again with me, myself and I. The war of self-discipline and willpower.

MrM is not with me this time in R2. Let the trial begin.....

2nd and 3rd Day Raya

Morning weight 70.9kg on morning of 2nd Raya.

I was surprised myself. But apart from the sugar laden drinks, I am still refraining from any ketupat and lemang but the chicken rendang, ayam kampung masak lemak cili api, and daging rendang were my greatest sabotageur to my diet. If one can call this a diet at this stage.

3rd Day Raya morning weight 71kg. Slowly creeping up!

My time of the month is finally here. Came 2nd Raya and I just needed to eat to have energy. At this age, I have stomach cramps.

I think there was a lot of eating damage after Raya at two houses today, the parents' home of friends from primary school. Let's see what the damage will be tomorrow.

Aaarghhh!!!

Food and food everywhere!!

Salam Aidil Fitri to all and Maaf Zahir Batin.

My morning weight 71.4kg.

I have been disciplined, resisting my favorite ketupat and focusing on protein, albeit laden with coconut milk and kerisik. And oh did I mention them choc chip cookies again?

I am now at my FIL's in Muar and took two pieces of lemang only. And oh did I mention three pieces of sugar laden kuih goyang?

I started the day with ACV hoping that will speed up the conversion of the food today into energy.

Oh I hope I am not 72kg tomorrow......

If I Ever Look Like This....

And there is a reason why I don't look like this woman.....

I Wish

Focus Focus!

How can I focus when temptation is everywhere?

My weight has been fluctuating between 70.5kg to 71.9kg, early morning weight being 70.9kg.

That is an achievement, or so I'd like to think since I was at 71.5kg for the longest time.

Foodwise, I still refrain from rice and any kind of noodles.

I feel guilty having curry puffs, so I don't.

My main carbo take I guess would be my maid's cekodok sayur and the occasional murtabak.

I usually have plain water for Iftar. Actually, I don't think I eat much, just indulging my sweet tooth with my own made chocolate chip cookies.

My observation during this phase is :

If I eat late at night say 9pm onwards, for sure I will put on 500gms the next morning.

My knees are a bit wobbly with this weight loss. Is there calcium loss as well??

I don't feel fit, which makes the need to exercise a must.

At 71kg, I just need another 6kg to go. But oh! I need to load first in R2!!!

Unstable Stabilization

Morning weigh-in 71.4kg.

As of yesterday evening, I was 70.9kg.

Usually my end of day weight is 71.4kg.

Such excitement, NOT!

I think I am just fed-up with things. Not enough pages in this blog to tell my predicament. Need to simplify my life.

Stabilization - Not In the Mood

What's new about my weight? I seem to be maintaining at 71.5kg, lowest was 71.1kg and on a day when I had a late night 10pm it was chicken soup, I shot up to 72.4kg.

Well no more late night eating out then. Buka puasa is typically chicken or fish, salad and some form of kuih, my favorites are usually kuih lompang (or more commonly known as kuih kasui), kuih kelepung (or more commonly known as buah Melaka) and an occasional curry puff or popiah goreng. I believe the ACV has helped me tremendously in maintaining my new weight coupled with the fact that my sahur is usually an apple or just water and coffee with milk.

And yes, people, I have indulged in the much craved Nescafe Tarik. Now that I have had it, I don't want it anymore.

Last Saturday, MrM's brothers and families converged at our house for buka puasa. What a feast. I had two pieces of ayam percik, one cup of very sweet cendol Kuala Pilah, one ekor ikan senangin, one curry puff and a palmful of mee goreng. I had expected my weight to shoot up to 73kg for sure but turns out next morning I was 71.9kg before toilet business. Funny this diet.

MrM has been hovering between 81 to 82.5kg depending on what he ate. He has been rather liberal with his food intake compared to me. And he refuses to take ACV because he says the smell makes him want to puke. But I guess he has a faster metabolic rate compared to mine. After 4 kids, my challenge is to lose the pouch that came with the caesarean. He does not have a pouch and his stomach is as smooth and flat as Harith's cheeks. Ok ok I exaggerate but you get the drift.

I think fasting helps the weight maintenance. Another challenge will be after fasting month and normal eating resumes. By normal I mean the three meals a day normal. Not normal eating like I used to.

Work front I have been busy as usual. Tough when I have to work and not be a Tai Tai....I am so not in the mood now with work. But then that is a different entry. I have to drive myself more than driving my team towards results.

Nothing Much to Update

My morning weight has been fluctuating between 71.5kg to 71.7kg, depending on how much I eat, I guess, for buka puasa. Not disciplined as my friends are, and not exploring recipes that is health conscious. I have been so busy and today, almost lost my temper with one of my staff. Sometimes I wish I am a Madam Tai Tai, thinking of the next Tod's D Bag Bauletto I want to add to my collection instead of cracking my head on the risk insights that needed to accompany the company's performance reporting. I am getting all sorts of demands from every business and with two staff on maternity leave, I don't have enough hands to address everything.

I told MrM that some of the wives of pilots in RK seem to have it all. Big houses, fancy cars, time to make themselves beautiful, time with kids, while I have to slog this routine at work and make sacrifices. Not that I am ungrateful for the lot in my life but at times like this, the thought of having a Tai Tai life have crossed my mind more often than not.

And at times like this too I noticed that my diet goes awry. I thought of starting the diet again in the last week of September and this time, I want to get to 65kg minimum. Anything below that would be a bonus. That will bring me to my weight at 17 years old, starving in good ol' Texas surviving on soft batch cookies.

Stabilization Dayb3

Morning weigh in

Me : 71.9kg
MrM : 82.3kg

Breaking of fast indulgence :

Three pieces of murtabak Singapura
Buah melaka
One piece of chicken asam from yesterday
Small slices of cekodok
One boiled egg and cucumber mixed in kuah kacang (sugar laden for sure)

Two dose of ACV and rooibos tea two huge cups. And water, lots of it.

I am happy with my weight maintenance so far, but then again I need to lose another 7kg at least in R2. MrM says if I do, he may not recognize his wife anymore, ha ha!!!

Stabilization Day 2 - Suffering the Consequences

Morning weigh in
Me : 72kg. PS after major disposal I am 71.3kg.
MrM : 83kg

Let me tell you why.

After not eating rice for a good 40 days, I indulged two tablespoons of rice. And a small bowl of mee goreng. Two pieces of chicken from the asam pedas, two of my sister's telur itik masak lemak, three pieces of my kuih pandan bakar, two three pieces of cut pineapple, two tahu sumbat, what can I say? Macam loading instead of stabilization.

I noticed that having rice after so long of not having rice, my upper abdomen is the first to feel the effects i.e. Becomes thicker, of course.

I will refrain from rice. After all that dieting, I certainly can do without rice. Yesterday was an irrational exuberance, to borrow a term used by Alan Greenspan to describe the state of capital markets prior to the financial crisis.

In reading Arlin's, MDS, and Jai's blogs, they have been so disciplined with the Maintenance protocol, whereas I have been indulging liberally, just avoiding starch mainly and a bit too frequent indulgence of kuih kuih bazaar Ramadhan.

This is indeed a wake-up call to change my attitude towards food. Enough is enough.

Stabilization Day 1

Morning weigh-in

Me : 71.7kg
MrM : 82.3kg

Sahur was an apple. A small one at that. Resisted the fried chicken. Nescafe with low fat milk. Four glasses of water. One glass with ACV.

Today my eldest sister and kids will buka puasa at my place.

Planned menu:

Ayam masak asam pedas
Kerabu mangga
Sayur tak tahu lagi, but if I had it my way, salad mixed with cucumbers and tomatoes
Kuih pandan bakar
Apam balik

My sister plans to masak gulai tolo itik.....huhu!! What a feast. Willpower, willpower....where will you be when I need you this evening.....

Maintenance Day 21 - cont

My weight is 71.7kg.

MrM is 81.7kg

Maintenance Day 21

Woke upmat 5:20am this morning and didn't have time to even weigh myself. Had only an apple, coffee with low fat milk and water, water, water.

My best gauge of my weight today will be this evening before buka.

Last day of maintenance and I feel nervous. I think I will continue the no starch, no sugar diet and maintain greens and proteins. So far that has worked for me in maintaining, if not slightly losing weight.

MrM on the other hand is looking forward to his teh tarik. Me? Maybe just a bit but after being on this program, there is not a lot that I want to eat anymore.

Will update later on my weight.

Maintenance Day 20

Phew! Me 71.9kg, MrM 82.5kg this morning.

By evening I was 71.4kg.

Extra ACV before sleeping, another one before sahur. The wonders of ACV.

Breaking of fast today was boring. Two small fried chicken, a bit of fried fish, a bit of bubur. Sahur will be apple again.